it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
