her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize