You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
