He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize