Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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