Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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