I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
