Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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