I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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