saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
