Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
