and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
