it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If its not for food we ain't going out.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize