Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
