You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have tasted many bathrooms
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
