It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
