I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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