I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
