2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize