I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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