I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
