apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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