I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
