captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
