omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
