I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
