i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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