and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
