my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize