i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
