Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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