Taylor Swift is so right about you.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
