his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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