hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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