Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
