I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
