gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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