Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
