i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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