if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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