i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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