Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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