i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize