She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
