is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
