time to smoke my breakfast
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
