Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
