She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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