i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
