Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
