who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
