Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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