party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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