Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
