1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
