when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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