I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
