If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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