things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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