officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
