Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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